The Unfortunate Occurences
by InvisibleBlade
Summary: Crack one shots about The Doctor and what he get up to behind the screen. Written between myself and a friend. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own**

**A/N: You will not be able to look at bananas and fezzes the same again. This is madness written by two very hyper college students. me and my friend. **

**Please leave a review.**

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Once upon a time there was a mad old man in a blue box.

Fortunately:

His insanity isn't contagious.

Unfortunately:

He was allowed to roam the universe resulting in a lot of explosions.

Fortunately:

Time can be rewritten.

Unfortunately:

It can only be rewritten so many times before bad things happen.

Fortunately:

He was nowhere near the limit of bad things happening.

Unfortunately:

This is The Doctor we're talking about. Bad things always happen.

Fortunately:

He always carries a banana with him. Bananas are cool. Bananas make everything all better.

Unfortunately:

His banana was caught in the middle of a nuclear war. Radiation and bananas don't mix.

Fortunately:

The Banana was contained in the safe confines of the TARDIS.

Unfortunately:

The Banana in question can now drive the TARDIS thanks to its new super powers it got because it was exposed to radiation.

Fortunately:

The Doctor disabled the Banana with his spinning bow-tie.

Unfortunately:

Before The Doctor disabled it the banana stole his fez!

Fortunately:

He got his fez back which was relatively unharmed from its horrific ordeal.

Unfortunately:

When the banana touched the fez it transferred all its powers to the fez. Now The Doctor had a talking, evil genius of a fez.

Fortunately:

The Doctor had always wanted a talking fez. They are the best kind of fezzes.

Unfortunately:

They didn't always get on.

Fortunately:

They went to the universal fez convention and worked out all their 'differences '.

Unfortunately:

The fez got incredibly sick and had to go to a hospital specially designed for fezzes.

Fortunately:

The Doctor never left her side. Not for one tiny moment. He loved his fez and was deeply upset about her being ill.

Unfortunately:

His fez passed away that night. The doctor never gave her a name.

Fortunately:

Before passing away his fez had given birth to his child. He now has a beautiful baby boy fez.

Unfortunately:

His child ran away to live in hat land.

Fortunately:

They still stay in contact. He visits every year on his child's birthday.

Unfortunately:

His timing is horrific. Don't let the title ' Timelord ' fool you.

Fortunately:

He gets Christmas right every year. Christmas is The Doctor's favourite time of year and wouldn't miss it for the world.

Unfortunately:

He never knows what presents to buy his child as he is a fez, and he's not sure what fezzes like.

Fortunately:

He's best friends with a Stetson. Stetsons are cool. They know what to buy as they are hats themselves.

Unfortunately:

River shot his Stetson so now he has no one to give him opinions in what his fez love child would like for Christmas.

Fortunately:

All his son wanted for Christmas was to be given a name.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor is rubbish at choosing names. Havelock? Havelock the Fez. Hmmm maybe not the best idea.

Fortunately:

His son gave him an idea of what he wanted to be called.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor didn't listen. In one ear and out the other. Isn't that the saying?

Fortunately:

He wrote it down and put it in The Doctor's pocket.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor didn't find it until Christmas day.

Fortunately:

He named his son Leonardo and his son loved it, and gave him the biggest fez hug imaginable.

So if you ever see a crazy, floppy haired man wearing a fez. Don't be rude and say hello to The Doctor and his son Leonardo for me.


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own.**

**A/N: A huge thanks goes to everyone who have reviewed and to those who have added this story onto their favorites and/or alerts. I still don't have the internet at home so I'm only able to use me college's computers. Sorry if my updates are slow. **

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One day The Doctor awoke covered in a sticky substance

Fortunately:

It wasn't in his awesomely awesome hair. That would truly be a tragedy.

Unfortunately:

It was covering the whole TARDIS, and she wasn't too happy about it. In fact she was in a foul mood.

Fortunately:

After murmuring a few sexy words to the old girl she calmed down a great deal.

Unfortunately:

Whatever the goo was his skin was reacting quite badly to it. As a matter of fact he was turning blue with spots like a leopard.

Fortunately:

The Doctor thought spots were cool! And besides it was only his body. His face was a normal as ever. Erm… as normal as it was going to get anyway.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor was growing hair for the first time ever in the most undesirable places imaginable.

Fortunately:

No one was around to see him in such a state.

Unfortunately;

No matter what he did he could not rid himself of the hair.

Fortunately:

When wearing clothes he can disguise the whole hairy blue leopard incident.

Unfortunately:

River popped in to say hello. She wanted them to see the great lakes of true reflection.

Fortunately:

The Doctor couldn't resist River's charm. What harm could it do? It was just one little harmless trip.

Unfortunately:

River asked him to go swimming with her in the lakes. He had no choice but to accept.

Fortunately:

He had a wet suit at hand. There was no need for River to know about his blue hairy leopardness.

Unfortunately:

As he got near the water's edge River ran up from behind him and pushed him in.

Fortunately:

The water was nice and cool compared to the hot summer's day the TARDIS had landed them on.

Unfortunately:

There's a reason why the lakes were called the lakes of true reflection. The Doctor found that out the hard way.

Fortunately:

River was far too busy enjoying herself to notice his predicament yet.

Unfortunately:

As The Doctor crept out of the waters River turned round and noticed him.

Fortunately:

River was in far too much shock to notice his quick getaway.

Unfortunately:

River had the key to the TARDIS, and the TARDIS herself was laughing far too hard to let him in.

Fortunately:

The Doctor managed to bribe the TARDIS to let him in.

Unfortunately:

River is a child of the TARDIS and the TARDIS likes her much better than him. She is on her side.

Fortunately:

Captain Jack materialised within the TARDIS, and said that he'd help him out.

Unfortunately:

Jack was laughing far too hysterically to be able to help him.

Fortunately:

The TARDIS was no longer covered in goo as she managed to tidy herself up so it was far easier to hide.

Unfortunately:

Jack likes to play naked hide and seek. However he ALWAYS cheats.

Fortunately:

Ianto was there to distract Jack.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor will never be able to scourge his mind of that awful image. *Shudder*

Fortunately:

The Doctor had managed to slip away and get some clothes on.

Unfortunately:

The only outfit he could find was a skimpy school girl's outfit.

Fortunately:

By the time he returned Jack and Ianto had finished playing hide and seek and had moved on to playing ping pong. Ping pong is cool!

Unfortunately:

One of the ping pong balls hit The Doctor on the head. Knocking him out.

Fortunately:

He awoke to find it was all a dream. That's the last time he eats jammy dodgers before bedtime!

It's just a shame he couldn't have kept the spots. Spots are cool!

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**Please leave a review x**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own. If I did a lot of crazy stuff would occur. **

**A/N: Yup, the crazy keeps on coming. Me and my friend just love screwing with The Doctor's life. :)**

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One day The Doctor came across a huge bag of jelly babies. He absolutely LOVED them, he still does to this day, but after the events that occurred last year he can no longer look at them in the same way.

Fortunately:

River doesn't know about his secret supply of jelly babies he keeps hidden underneath his bed.

Unfortunately:

He was reaching for the bag of jelly babies when River appeared suddenly in his doorway.

Fortunately:

She didn't seem to know the reason behind him crouching underneath his bed.

Unfortunately:

Once River catches a whiff of him doing BAD things, she will do anything to get the truth out of him.

Fortunately:

She droped the issue, long enough for The Doctor to move his stash. She in fact seemed far more interested in the TARDIS's fine wine collection from across the galaxies.

Unfortunately:

Wine and The Doctor don't mix, he is an utter lightweight. It only took two glasses to get him drunk.

Fortunately:

His wife was as equally drunk as he was.

Unfortunately:

When The Doctor gets drunk he starts to talk (more than the usual ramble that comes out of his mouth) ... the personal stuff.

Fortunately:

The Doctor looked over to River and it looked like she was about to pass any minute now.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor had been wrong in his presumption

Fortunately:

River was too busy to listen to what he was saying. She was far too busy trying to attack his lips.

Unfortunately:

When he mumbled the word jelly babies through the kiss, she began to listen to what he had to say (him and his big mouth).

Fortunately:

Before River could decipher what The Doctor was saying about jelly babies, he started to talk about potatoes (potatoes are cool).

Unfortunately:

River would not let it go. She knew The Doctor too well.

Fortunately:

The next day The Doctor was craving a bacon sandwich so River made him one. Whilst she was doing that he had time to think about a way out of the jelly baby situation.

Unfortunately:

River looked on the TARDIS's CCTV camera and inevitably found out the truth about the jelly bay incident.

Fortunately:

It was time to come out of the cupboard and tell her the truth she had been waiting so long to hear.

Unfortunately:

The Doctor told River of how he dated the queen jelly baby for a while and made part jelly baby, part Timelord babies. When he had finished River fainted.

Fortunately:

When River came round she had forgiven him.

Unfortunately:

She tends to get super protective of him when there are jelly babies around.

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Think very carefully about this when you're eating jelly babies next ... um ye, eating The Doctor's children ... probably not the best idea.

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**Yes he did it again. He fathered a child with an inanimate object. Review if you want to see the family reunion Leonardo the fez, and his three other jelly baby babies. :) **


End file.
